First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

Yet, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

From http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/09/13/nkorea.blast/index.html

N. Korea: Demolition caused cloud
Monday, September 13, 2004 Posted: 9:26 AM EDT (1326 GMT)

After several days of speculation over the cause of the massive cloud, North Korean Foreign Minister Paek Nam Sun offered the explanation in a meeting with British Foreign Office Minister Bill Rammell.

"The foreign minister told Rammell that the large explosion several days ago was part of a planned demolition of a mountain for the construction of a hydroelectric plant," according to a statement Monday from the British Foreign Office.

"North Korea's foreign minister says suggestions that it was anything else are lies," the statement said.

Rammell asked that international diplomats be allowed to inspect the site, and the Foreign Office said North Korea has agreed to the request.

North Korea's vice foreign minister for Europe, Kung Sok Ung, said Britain's ambassador to Pyongyang, David Slinn, could go to the site as soon as Tuesday.

"Having asked the vice foreign minister this morning for our ambassador and other ambassadors to be allowed to visit the scene of the explosion, I am very pleased the North Koreans have agreed to the request," the UK Press Association quoted Rammell as saying.

The South Korean news agency Yonhap reported seeing a mushroom cloud 4 kilometers (2 miles) wide over the border area between North Korea and China in Yanggang Province on satellite images Thursday.

American and South Korean officials immediately played down the possibility the cloud was evidence of a nuclear weapons test, with one U.S. official telling CNN it was "no big deal" and could be from a forest fire.

But conspiracy theories were rife about what triggered the cloud on September 9, the anniversary of North Korea's founding.

Pyongyang traditionally uses the occasion to stage events to bolster national pride and show its superiority, and top Bush advisers concede there is intelligence the communist state may be preparing a nuclear test.

The U.S. periodically receives reports North Korea wants to test its nuclear capability, but senior officials say the reclusive regime's plans are hard to decipher.

Until Monday's statement, secretive North Korea had not officially responded to what may have triggered the cloud.

But the nation has come under the global spotlight for its covert nuclear program, revealed almost two years ago.

October surprises
America's national security adviser has suggested that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's motive for any nuclear test could be to affect the U.S. election.

"The North Koreans would only succeed in isolating themselves further if they're somehow trying to gain negotiating leverage or their own October surprise," Condoleeza Rice said.

U.S. President George W. Bush is holding out for verifiable dismantlement, and North Korea may think his Democratic opponent, John Kerry, would have a different agenda.

"Their immediate goal is to hope Sen. Kerry prevails because they think he would be a more flexible negotiating partner," said Mike O'Hanlon from the Brookings Institution.

On Sunday, Kerry said "a potential route to a nuclear 9/11 is clearly visible" because of Bush's North Korea policy.

One Kerry adviser argued that by attacking Iraq, the U.S. has emboldened Pyongyang.

"They get the wrong message out of Iraq. You know, we invade countries that don't have nuclear weapons and we don't invade those that do," said former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.

Kerry has accused Bush of taking his eye off the ball with North Korea, which the Central Intelligence Agency thinks already has a handful of nuclear weapons.

The White House insists diplomacy is still the best strategy, although officials say the president never takes military action off the table.

Yonhap reported the explosion happened near the site of the Yongjori missile base -- a large facility with an underground missile firing range.

According to data gathered by the Nuclear Threat Initiative (NTI), Yongjori is a suspected site for North Korea's uranium enrichment program.

NTI is a private charity, funded by CNN founder Ted Turner, dedicated to lessen the threat posed by weapons of mass destruction -- nuclear, chemical and biological -- around the globe, according to its Web site.

CNN Radio, CNN National Security Correspondent David Ensor and Correspondent Sohn Jie-Ae contributed to this report.