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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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Joke Posted at 02:01:16 PM CDT
Second (to none) City?
Submitted by Jim Caple at ESPN.com

This article was written on September 10, 2003 and was taken from ESPN.com. You can view it by visiting:
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=caple_jim&id=1612823

ESPN does not indorse and/or is in no way affiliated with BrentButler.com. This story was used WITHOUT permission. If ESPN comes after me, seriously... what kind of damage am I really doing here?

-----

The Cubs and the White Sox are both in first place in September. Harry Caray must be having an extra beer in heaven.

I know, I know. Harry probably would be having an extra beer even if both teams were in last place, but you know what I mean. This is historic. The Cubs and the White Sox both in first place? It's rare enough in April, but September? I've never seen that before in my entire life. Nobody has. Edmund Teller, the father of the hydrogen bomb, died Tuesday at the age of 95 and he had never seen the Cubs and White Sox in first place in September until this week. I think the shock killed him.

The Cubs and the White Sox are both in first place in September. It's like the signs you see on WGN broadcasts that read, "The temperature in hell is 33 degrees and dropping."

The last time this occurred was 1906, the same year the two teams met in the World Series. That's 97 years ago, which by the most remarkable coincidence, is also the last time the Dan Ryan Expressway wasn't backed up bumper to bumper.

The Cubs and the White Sox are both in first place in September. This is a monumental convergence, like John Belushi and Chris Farley meeting on Rush Street.

The Cubs and the White Sox are both in first place in September. The voices of Steve Stone and Ken Harrelson never sounded so sweet.

The Cubs and the White Sox are both in first place in September. And people think peace in the Middle East is too wild a dream.

The Cubs and the White Sox are in first place and everyone in the city is getting caught up in the pennant frenzy. I think Oprah just added the Cubs media guide to her book club. And she's not the only one who is getting a little over the top. Everyone in the city is soaring as high as the Michael Jordan jump man logo.

WOMAN: Dr. Phil, you have to help me. My life is a mess. My 12-year-old son weighs 280 pounds and just sits staring at the computer exchanging e-mail all day. My 14-year-old daughter pierced her nipples and dropped out of school. My husband is a transexual who is cheating on me with a man and a woman. I just lost my job and our credit-card debt is $40,000 and I don't get along with my mother. What can I do to straighten out my life?

DR. PHIL: I wish every case was this simple. Just take the El train to Wrigley, sit in the bleachers, toss back a couple cold ones and root for the Cubs. You won't care if you ever get back.

No city has endured so much failure as Chicago. The Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1908. The White Sox haven't won it since 1917. Neither team has even reached the World Series since 1959. Most people who saw either team in the series are dead and buried (though, interestingly enough, many still vote in Cook County elections).

And yet, here it is September and the Cubs and the White Sox are both in first place. I must get to Chicago.

I must spend an afternoon in the bleachers and bow to Sammy as he races onto the field. I must catch a home run from an opponent and fire it back onto the field with more velocity than Kerry Wood. I must order a cheezeborga at the Billy Goat tavern and beg the owners to remove the curse. I must wear black on the red line to Comiskey Park. I must watch the Big Hurt go deep and dance in the showers beyond the outfield. I must listen to organist Nancy Faust play the Na-Na-Na song and sing "Hey Hey Hey ... Good-Bye!" until my voice is as hoarse and incomprehensible as Ozzy Osborne's.

Ozzy, by the way, recently mangled "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field (it was the biggest musical surprise in baseball since we learned that Roseanne Barr can't hit all the proper notes of the national anthem). The true soundtrack for Chicago's summer, however, was provided at Comiskey when Bruce Springsteen played one of his tour stops there in August.

Glory Days, indeed.

The Cubs and the White Sox in first place in September. Take two days off with Ferris and go to Wrigley and Comiskey. Play the air raid sirens so loud that it could wake Teller in the funeral home. Lift the Sianis curse -- and a cup of Old Style, while you're at it.

The Cubs and the White Sox in first place in September. To paraphrase Ernie Banks, it's a great month for baseball. Let's play seven in October.

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