Former President Bill Clinton, despondent over the lack of press coverage in recent weeks, issued a press release claiming, "I'm a homosexual."

Reports were skeptical about Clinton's claim, as he's had several high-profile affairs with women. Clinton's response, "Oh, I'm not a homosexual MAN. I'm actually a homosexual woman trapped in a MAN's body."

Chelsea, Clinton's daughter, was the result of "one hell of a wild night with 'that woman'." "But," Clinton said, wagging his finger at the bank of TV cameras, "After that night, I did NOT have relations with that woman."

Clinton made his phone number available on the World Wide Web for "any lesbian who needs someone to 'feel her pain.'"