(Brent: What's sad is that I have an AOL account.)

(We take you now to the trial, already in progress.)

"You want ANSWERS?"

"I think I'm entitled to them!"

"YOU WANT ANSWERS?!"

"I WANT THE TRUTH!"

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Son, we live in a world that has AOL. And those AOLiens have to be guarded by men with jokes. Who's going to do it? YOU? YOU, Randy Cassingham?

"I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You *weep* for those skewered Walker Award Winners and you *curse* the Joke Man who slices and dices them. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not having your mail box filled with 'unscribe me or i'll tosspam yew and call my layer! Publicly disemboweling FuckNut2098@aol.com, while tragic, probably saved lives AND was damned funny. And, my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you because I weigh a metric ton, saves lives.

"You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you WANT me ripping those AOLiens to shreds, you NEED me to show 'em what dumbasses they are.

"We use words like, 'Dipshit', 'Dumbass', 'Bonehead'. We use these words over an OC-3 backbone that gets filtered down to a 2400 baud modem at a typical AOLiens's house. You use them when you steal our jokes for your own punchlines.

"I have neither the TIME, or INCLINATION to explain myself to a man who rises, sleeps, and scratches his nuts to the very jokes I tell, and then questions the manner in which I come up with this shit. I'd rather you just said, "Thank you," then sent me a rich blonde with big boobs, then went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you grab a healthy dose of sarcasm and host your OWN email humor list!

"Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to!"