Do you yearn for more in entertainment than monster truck shows have to offer?

Do beer commercials leave you bored and uninterested?

Are you tired of being a decade behind in fashion?

Do you wish you had a nice apartment -- like the ones on "Will & Grace"?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you'll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL!

For a limited time, homosexuals are recruiting heterosexual men to become just like us! Let us help you in your transformation from bland to faboo! We'll give you all the steps you'll need to be a happy, healthy fairy, like:

-How to have sex with a man and not NEED the six pack of beer!

-How to make your home Architectural Digest-ready - with extra tips on antiques, throw pillows, and foreign art!

-The "secret" list of essential Madonna and Cher CDs you MUST own.

-That tongue trick invented (circa 1978) in a back alley in NYC!

-The address of Ricky Martin's "private" fan club!

-Why you must "JUST SAY NO" to bi-level haircuts!

-Dance steps even for the most rhythmically impaired -- and why dancing with a shirt on is a no-no -- unless you haven't been going to the gym.

-Why you MUST go to the gym!

-Gaydar lessons -- you'll finally know the truth about that unusual Uncle.

-Our "In" and "Out" list -- for the current week.

-Style and grooming tips no self-respecting gay man should be without (say good-bye to that uni-brow)!

-How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we'll even insert a few bucks to get you started).

-A dialect coach to assist in "gaylingo" -- learn terms like twinkie, muscle bunny, drama queen -- and their importance in conversation.

-Significant historical dates you'll need to know, like the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra's wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE A CLOSET DOOR (removed, of course) TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM! Don't delay any longer!

Don't you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight? Call 1-800-GET-FABB to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!!

Call today.

Operators are standing by!

(Offer void in Kentucky and Tennessee.)