PEARL HARBOR -- The Navy has successfully conducted a new method of submarine warfare by successfully sinking a Japanese fishing boat without the use of a torpedo.

Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Thomas Fargo announced the successful test. "The United States has entered a new era of sub warfare. Torpedos cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars each. This is on top of the billion dollars it cost just to have the sub. Now, we can successfully sink a ship just by running into it -- and the American taxpayer comes out ahead."

The Admiral admitted the tests aren't complete yet. "For this round of tests, we used civilian contractors to actually do the ramming. However, we've found that contractors can cost the American taxpayer thousands of dollars in labor charges. Our next round of testing we will be using Third Class Petty Officers. We've got lots of those -- and they only cost the American taxpayer about $1300 a month."

Admiral Fargo reported that the United States has a long and successful history of sinking Japanese vessels. "We've found the Japanese to be energetic and enthusiastic partners, since World War II, in saving the American taxpayers money."

"After we've finished our torpedo-abatement testing, we're excited to move on to other, more routine tests," Admiral Fargo explained, showing off a four-color brochure. "We've dropped thousands of these informative leaflets on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki to let the residents there know how much the US Navy is counting on them to help with our next level of testing."